Back to Home Forum Index

Music Jokes

Discussion of musical matters that fit into none of the above categories.
Post a reply

Music Jokes

Postby Philip Daniel on Fri Jun 17, 2005 11:43 pm

I found these posted in a thread on the music-scores forum site. Enjoy.

"You've heard of the Mozart Effect, i.e. listening to
Mozart increases one's spatial IQ
BUT, have you heard of the ...

LISZT EFFECT: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but
never really says anything important.

BRUCKNER EFFECT: Child speaks very slowly and repeats
himself frequently. Gains reputation for profundity.

WAGNER EFFECT: Child becomes a megalomaniac. May eventually
marry his sister.

MAHLER EFFECT: Child continually screams - at great length
and volume - that he's dying.

SCHOENBERG EFFECT: Child never repeats a word until he's
used all the other words in his vocabulary.
Sometimes talks backwards.
Eventually, people stop listening to him.
Child blames them for their
inability to understand him.

BABBITT EFFECT: Child gibbers nonsense all the time.
Eventually, people stop listening to him.
Child doesn't care because all his
playmates think he's cool.

IVES EFFECT: the child develops a remarkable ability to
carry on several separate conversations at once.

GLASS EFFECT: the child tends to repeat himself over and
over and over
and over and over and over and over and over and over and
over and over
and over and over again.

STRAVINSKY EFFECT: the child is prone to savage, guttural
and profane outbursts that often lead to
fighting and pandemonium in the preschool.

BRAHMS EFFECT: the child is able to speak beautifully as
long as his sentences contain a multiple of three words
(3, 6, 9, 12, etc).
However, his sentences containing 4 or 8 words are
strangely uninspired.

AND THEN OF COURSE, THE CAGE EFFECT -- CHILD SAYS NOTHING
FOR 4 MINUTES,
33 SECONDS. PREFERRED BY 9 OUT OF 10 CLASSROOM TEACHERS."

http://www.music-scores.com/cgi-bin/dis ... #POST60761
User avatar
Philip Daniel
Moderato(r)
Moderato(r)
 
Posts: 811
Joined: Wed Aug 25, 2004 7:46 pm
Top

Postby Jeliness2 on Fri Jun 17, 2005 11:47 pm

Schoenberg once said, "My music is not modern, it is merely played badly." lol
Jeliness2
Moderator Team Lieder
Moderator Team Lieder
 
Posts: 1094
Joined: Wed Aug 25, 2004 9:31 pm
Top

Postby Philip Daniel on Fri Jun 17, 2005 11:48 pm

Wait--here are some others that I found on another website (http://forum.imagejournal.org/showthread.php?t=184):

"RAFF EFFECT: Child becomes a bore.

JOHN CAGE EFFECT: Child opens all the windows in the house then smashes musical instruments within reach while in seeming ecstasy at the sound of traffic in the streets.

DONIZETTI EFFECT: Child can't help laughing and dancing while talking about tragic events in eloquent and compassionate terms. Deeply unsettling to peers and educators.

JOHN WILLIAMS EFFECT: child starts breathing heavily and is seduced by the dark side, not necessarily in that order.

DEBUSSY EFFECT: Child murmurs and mumbles in a sensuous vocabulary that seems to go nowhere, with occasional spouts of fireworks and jazz puppetry.

BACH EFFECT: Child speaks in structurally perfect multiple voices, forwards, backwards, upside-down, augmented and diminished, solely for the glory of God."

"BERLIOZ EFFECT: Child becomes a brilliant colorist, a drug addict, a stalker, and a worthless spouse.

BRAHMS EFFECT: Child develops extraordinary attachment to mother or mother surrogate.

SHAW EFFECT: Child compulsively counts, and cannot pronounce 'th's.

ORFF EFFECT: the child delights in saying naughty things that no one notices because they are too busy arguing about the real middle high German Latin pronunciation."
User avatar
Philip Daniel
Moderato(r)
Moderato(r)
 
Posts: 811
Joined: Wed Aug 25, 2004 7:46 pm
Top

Postby calebrw on Sat Jun 18, 2005 3:34 am

Viola Jokes (over played, but here for your viewing pleasure)

Q. What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A. A viola burns longer.

Q. What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
A. You don't cry when you chop up a viola.

Q. How many violists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, they can't get up that high.

Q. How do you get three viola players to play in unison?
A. Shoot two of them.

Q. What' the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A. You don't take your shoes off when you jump on a viola.

Q. What's the range of a viola?
A. 20 yards, if you have a good arm.

Q. How can you tell a viola is out of tune?
A. The Bow is moving.

The grand daddy of all viola jokes:

On a flight recently, a friend of mine decided to strike up a conversation with his seatmate. "I've got a great viola joke," he began. "Would you like to hear it?"

"I should have you know I'm a violist," replied his neighbor.

"That's okay. I'll tell it real slow!"
calebrw
Registered Musician
 
Posts: 370
Joined: Tue Nov 09, 2004 1:43 am
Location: MPLS, MN, USA
Top

Postby Max on Sat Jun 18, 2005 6:27 pm

"JOHN WILLIAMS EFFECT: child starts breathing heavily and is seduced by the dark side, not necessarily in that order."

I think a better one would be

JOHN WILLIAMS EFFECT: child starts copying what all the other children say, claim it was theirs, and makes a lot of money

:wink:
Max
Registered Musician
 
Posts: 477
Joined: Sat Sep 18, 2004 9:20 pm
Top

Postby Chozart on Sat Jun 18, 2005 7:10 pm

I was once told this by a friend, whom I can't quite contact now to check whether or not it was in regard to violinists or violists. (S)he who has heard it, please correct me if and where I'm wrong, or if I'm missing something. For the purpose of demonstration, I'll use the violinist:

:arrow:

So a violinist and pianist are sitting next to each other in a concert hall, which is getting jam packed with tons and tons of people, all the seats sold out. The violinist readjusts his collar and says to his piano neighbor, "Boy, it's getting hot in here."
His associate replies, "Not for us pianists."

Ah, I love that one :lol:
User avatar
Chozart
"Brendel-like" Mozart & Bach fanatic
 
Posts: 942
Joined: Wed Aug 25, 2004 10:04 pm
Top

Postby Philip Daniel on Sat Jun 18, 2005 8:40 pm

Max wrote:"JOHN WILLIAMS EFFECT: child starts breathing heavily and is seduced by the dark side, not necessarily in that order."

I think a better one would be

JOHN WILLIAMS EFFECT: child starts copying what all the other children say, claim it was theirs, and makes a lot of money

:wink:


Hey, I didn't make them up, though!
User avatar
Philip Daniel
Moderato(r)
Moderato(r)
 
Posts: 811
Joined: Wed Aug 25, 2004 7:46 pm
Top

Postby pianoangel on Mon Jun 20, 2005 12:40 pm

So a C an Eb and a G walk into a bar, and the bartender says "I'm afraid you're going to have to leave, we don't serve minors here."

So then the Eb leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
pianoangel
Registered Musician
 
Posts: 24
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2004 10:12 pm
Top

Postby miss_freud on Thu Aug 11, 2005 10:35 am

My Dad bought my Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.

"Oh," said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

"How come?" I asked.

"Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing...."
______________________________________________________________

What do you call a musician who just broke up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.

miss_freud
Registered Musician
 
Posts: 13
Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2005 9:36 pm
Location: Koper, Slovenia
Top

Postby citrine_peridot on Tue Mar 07, 2006 10:53 pm

not jokes actually
I just took pic of them because I thought they are kinda funny...

Image
"never apply that play that part louder things to the trumpet section..." yeah, my camera quality gets bad if it's too close and flash-less.


Image
an ad

Image

Image

these two are from my fav chinese magazine...

citrine_peridot
The "Pedal-Eater"
 
Posts: 643
Joined: Wed Aug 25, 2004 9:12 pm
Top

Postby Philip Daniel on Thu Mar 23, 2006 4:21 pm

Some more I found:

Why did Bach have twenty children? His organ had no stops!

What is "perfect pitch?" When you toss an accordion into the toilet bowl without hitting the rim.

What's the difference between a violist and a dog? The dog knows when to stop scratching!

How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear!

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards? New Age music!

There was a boy in kindergarten who played the viola. One day, he came home and said, "Mommy, today we practiced counting! I got all the way up to 10, but most of the kids messed up around 6 or 7!!!" and his mom said, "Good, that's because you're a violist." The next day he came home and said, "Mommy, today we practiced the alphabet! I got all the way to the end, but most of the kids got messed up around "s" or "t"!" and his mom said, "Good, that's because you're a violist." The next day, he came home and said "Mommy, guess what, they measured us today and I'm the tallest person in the whole class!!! Is that because I'm a violist, too?" and his mom said, "No, dear, that's because you're 25 years old."

http://www.maui.net/~pbm/jokes.html
User avatar
Philip Daniel
Moderato(r)
Moderato(r)
 
Posts: 811
Joined: Wed Aug 25, 2004 7:46 pm
Top

Re: Music Jokes

Postby Nocturneguy on Thu Mar 23, 2006 6:20 pm

Philip Daniel wrote:I found these posted in a thread on the music-scores forum site. Enjoy.

"You've heard of the Mozart Effect, I.e. listening to
Mozart increases one's spatial IQ
BUT, have you heard of the ...

LISZT EFFECT: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but
never really says anything important.

BRUCKNER EFFECT: Child speaks very slowly and repeats
himself frequently. Gains reputation for profundity.

WAGNER EFFECT: Child becomes a megalomaniac. May eventually
marry his sister.

MAHLER EFFECT: Child continually screams - at great length
and volume - that he's dying.

SCHOENBERG EFFECT: Child never repeats a word until he's
used all the other words in his vocabulary.
Sometimes talks backwards.
Eventually, people stop listening to him.
Child blames them for their
inability to understand him.

BABBITT EFFECT: Child gibbers nonsense all the time.
Eventually, people stop listening to him.
Child doesn't care because all his
playmates think he's cool.

IVES EFFECT: the child develops a remarkable ability to
carry on several separate conversations at once.

GLASS EFFECT: the child tends to repeat himself over and
over and over
and over and over and over and over and over and over and
over and over
and over and over again.

STRAVINSKY EFFECT: the child is prone to savage, guttural
and profane outbursts that often lead to
fighting and pandemonium in the preschool.

BRAHMS EFFECT: the child is able to speak beautifully as
long as his sentences contain a multiple of three words
(3, 6, 9, 12, etc).
However, his sentences containing 4 or 8 words are
strangely uninspired.

AND THEN OF COURSE, THE CAGE EFFECT -- CHILD SAYS NOTHING
FOR 4 MINUTES,
33 SECONDS. PREFERRED BY 9 OUT OF 10 CLASSROOM TEACHERS."

http://www.music-scores.com/cgi-bin/dis ... #POST60761


a bunch of modern composers i have never heard...will they go down in history as being one of the greats?
Nocturneguy
Registered Musician
 
Posts: 379
Joined: Sat Sep 04, 2004 11:53 pm
Top

Postby trouillards on Thu Mar 23, 2006 8:03 pm

I don't get the Brahms one... Could someone explain it to me? :?:

trouillards
Registered Musician
 
Posts: 88
Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2005 12:48 pm
Location: Roskilde, Denmark
Top

Postby juufa72 on Thu Mar 23, 2006 9:52 pm

trouillards wrote:I don't get the Brahms one... Could someone explain it to me? :?:


Look at the sheet music for most of Brahms' works. 70% of the time they are out of the normal 2/4, 3/4, 4/4 time but in stuff like 6/8, 12/8, 3/8...gah! One reason why I don't play Brahms (the second being the huge and akward spans)
juufa72
Registered Musician
 
Posts: 441
Joined: Sun Jul 17, 2005 2:37 am
Top


Post a reply

Return to General Music

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron